Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
