then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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