Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
