she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
