What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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