whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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