Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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