I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
