alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
