i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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