Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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