considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
