In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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