perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
