Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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