i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
