Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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