I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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