I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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