So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
