Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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