i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
