Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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