over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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