need another drink. this is the easiest way
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
