lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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