I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
