dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
