i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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