I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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