between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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