btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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