those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
