I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
