I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
