If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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