Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
