Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
