we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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