Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
