Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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