We're facebook friends in real life
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
