We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
