i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
