I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
