You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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