She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
