they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
