I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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