she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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